I used to have conversations with people in my head. Usually it was my crush. I had different crushes from most people (I’m assuming, not having much knowledge about other people), my crush was built around friendship. It’s not to say I was friends with my crushes, just that I wanted them to be my friends. I was a lonely young fellow, and I often felt a lack of intimacy between myself and friends. My crush was usually on someone I saw as similar or compatible with myself, and so they ended up with the marvelous job of hearing all my problems. Only that, it was my mental image of them that heard anything, although, technically, even the mental crush heard nothing as conversations were purely in my head. I would tell them everything about me, even the fact that I talked to them in my head. That’s right, I discussed with my imaginary friends the imaginary conversations I had with them. Yikes, that sounds way worse written out. Anyhow, long story short, my crushes were less about romance, and more about wanting a close friend, rather depressing. I would quickly find out later that most people don’t like hearing about all your thoughts and personal issues when your thoughts are practically cancer in the form of depression. Surprise surprise. If I changed from talking to imaginary people to real people, most would either tell me to fuck off within a day, and the rest would listen out of sympathy, and jump off a bridge after a month. Well, maybe not, but the point is that I have started thinking in words. My thoughts now scrawl out in my head in the WordPress draft format. Font and everything.

Now I just realized the paragraph above went absolutely nowhere, so I will make this more interesting by talking about a theory of mine. People have anti-bullshit programming built in. I was standing in the shower today, letting hot water run over me, while forgetting to actually wash myself. Even though I live in drought-ridden California, I still sit in the shower for 15 minutes doing nothing, before I remember the point of the shower is to get clean. What an asshole I am, a little cracked patch of dried mud hates me now. So anyway, I’m in the shower, right? Right. And I’m thinking about (in wordpress draft format) all the conversations I’ve had with people. I had a, heh, watershed moment. (That, my friends, was a pun AND a throwback reference in one word) . It occurred to me that I couldn’t even remember what I last discussed with my friends, face to face. The fact that I had last talked to my friends 5 days ago may have something to do with it, but still. I think that people automatically forget conversations if they were bullshit.

“Mrs. so and so was a bitch today?”

“Yeah, dude.”

“Damn man, what a hoe.”

“Yeah, fuck garden tools.”

“What? That was the dumbest joke I’ve heard all year.”

“Bitch, you wouldn’t know a good joke if it kicked you in the balls.”


You don’t remember these kinds of conversations. You mostly remember the deep conversations, the ones where important matters were discussed. Important as in personal, not important as in the math homework that’s due next period. I came to this realization when it turned out I could only recall the content of approximately three conversations in my entire life. All three were about personal feelings. All other conversations in my life had been filtered out, because, I think, they were just bullshit. Discussions over movies, classes and other meaningless trash. Either that or I’m more of a recluse than I thought, it may turn out I have only had three conversations in my whole life. Perhaps try it yourself and see. I have a good feeling that I’m right, and that this means I need to start talking more to people.

On a sidenote: Merry Christmas/Hanukkah + happy birthday to me


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