Forgetting Happiness

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to always be happy. To have sad moments rather than happy moments. To have splotches of sadness upon a canvas of happiness. I have a worn and old canvas, torn and weathered. Upon it are a few sad stains of happy times, almost faded. Maybe it’s just my mindset, that caused them to fade, but, regardless, they are still hardly present. When I’m alone, my thoughts drift. When I’m with people, I disconnect, float away. I’m only half present. Perhaps cracking a joke once in a while. I got hit hard by something today. The acute kind of emotional pain. The sort that feels like a bullet to the chest or a knife to the gut. The pain is intense at first, and then you want to cry. But I can’t cry. I’ve cried once in years and years, over a girl. Of all things, a girl. Ridiculous. So instead I feel the need to throw up, to run, to hide, to die. Oh the times I’ve spent, holding the airsoft gun, caressing it, feeling it, holding it, weighing it, staring at it for hours. Put it to my head and “click”. Wishing I could, while knowing I can’t. I want to start over. I don’t want to be a year away from adulthood. I want to fly away, to some godforsaken place, a place where I can forget everyone, a place where I can start over.

I’m tired of slipping into depression. So very tired. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to sit alone, and think of only good things to come. To not rot in a puddle of despair, worrying over grades, regret, and sadness over relationships. I haven’t talked face to face with non-relatives in almost a week now. Hell, I haven’t talked face to face with anyone about anything worth talking about in years. Seventeen to be precise. Breaks from school have always been this way. Me sitting alone, or with family. I enjoy being with family, but I will drift away, to my thoughts, the recessed ones I never tell people about. I’m tired of feeling like enjoyment is a fucking escape. My cousins are at my house, and I just sit alone, in a completely different universe. I’m losing my grip.

I’ve spent my days, sitting in chairs. Playing the same songs on my guitar over and over again, for hours. I surf the web, I play video games. I should be studying, to improve my grades, but I want an escape. I want to forget school ever existed. I used to be a video game addict. I would lie about it. It was an escape, I knew people who always wanted to play with me. I felt needed, I felt wanted, I felt like I had friends, I escaped reality. I want to escape now, to only know the tapping of keys and the click of the mouse. I want to feel needed, even if that means just being part of a 5 man team for one game. I don’t get respect for my grades, I don’t get respect for my knowledge, I don’t get respect for my social status, I don’t get respect for anything. I’ve never been good at anything, least of all video games. But sometimes, I can be a god among the lowest of the low. I can feel important. I can feel necessary. I wish video games had never been invented, but they are better than the alternatives. Drinking and drugs. I will never touch either. They offer potent escapes, with even more potent crashes. I will drink myself to death, should I ever allow myself to touch alcohol.

I feel unneeded and unwanted. I can sit alone in my room for 2 weeks, and no one will care.   No one needs me to do things with them. No one particularly wants to do things with me. Sure, if I end up hanging out with my friends, that’s all fine and dandy, but if I don’t, then it’s also fine and dandy. I’m insecure, I rely on others for self validation. How the fuck else are you supposed to get validation in your social skills? How am I supposed to get validation in fucking anything? If no one wants me around, then clearly it has something to do with me. I want to sit in my room for the next 2 fucking weeks, and fade away. I want to play the same sad fucking song over and over to myself, until I forget my own name. I want to fade into absolutely nothing, so that even I can’t recognize myself. I want my family to forget I ever existed, so I won’t have the regret of causing them pain. I want to cry, and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I want to spend my day somewhere far away, not really present. I want to forget reality existed. I’ll get out of bed, play my song, and stare, somewhere far far away, somewhere where there is no pain.

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2 thoughts on “Forgetting Happiness

  1. I recognize just about every word of this in myself as well. I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but that hasn’t been the case for me.

    I also wish I could carry some of your burden for you, just to help a bit.

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