I think that, perhaps, life has gotten to me. I used to believe in love, in life, and in living, but now I find myself in disbelief of myself. I’m a shade, a 2 dimensional shadow of who I could be. Perhaps the world does not fade around me, but I instead fade from the world, a god whose worshippers lie dead beneath rotting stone and whose temples crumble beneath snaking ivy. Such a being is no being at all, for he who needed temples and worship to live was never really alive. Reality has won this round. We are all mice running in circles, except the mouse is intelligent; it just lives. We must make meaning from living, we must find patterns and rules for reality. But I now see it all for what it is. Life is random. We do not spend life attempting to fulfill a greater meaning, we spend life attempting to create a meeting when the true challenge lies in accepting that there is in fact no meaning. The whole of life is the attempt to make sense of the senseless, to make meaning out of the meaningless; it is, in and of itself, the creation of reality from a dream and perhaps most importantly, the creation of a dream from reality.
I started writing a book, but I haven’t been able to see where I left off. The story was never defined, yet it was so clear to me. But now as I try to write, the keys make no sound. I cannot understand where I am in the story. Perhaps the problem is that I am trying to write a story that has not yet been completed.
When you unfollow someone, all their posts disappear from your feed. Don’t know why I expected otherwise, but it makes sense. To move on completely you must burn the present. Old memories can be held onto, but new updates are dangerous. I’m not doing myself any favors by trying to stay friendly, might as well forget she exists and be on my merry way. I understand how a girl from three years ago felt, and I have decided not to text anyone I know in real life. Texting makes it too easy, far too easy, to stab someone in the back rather than in their gut whilst looking into their eyes. I have been murdered once and I have murdered one person. I’ve had enough, I’m done.
I want to see the stars.
Not the bullshit couple-of-stars-over-the-suburb, but the real stars, the raw stars.
The squeak and groans of a 20 year old truck door being open and shut
as it hums to heat the occupants who shift in and out of warmth
the dirt road curving around the mountain
the city lights in the distance, too far to pollute with light
the silhouette of hulking peaks, distinguished by their blackness in a thick blue sky
the grinding crunching sound of dirt beneath rubber soles
the cold of rough granite upon the nape of the neck
the clouds of white frost that are exhaled on chilly mountain nights
the valley below, as if the whole world is beneath your feet
the sharp outline of trees against the sky
the curving heavens,
awesome and incomprehensible in their magnitude,
that hold a thousand million twinkling stars.
I live for those cold nights where I am dwarfed by reality,
the whole of it,
in its infinite glory.
We both made mistakes
The both of us
But I will not mull
For life has begun to enjoy itself
In both of us
There is joy in freedom
So I will indulge
And I hope you will too.
I do not
Hide my mistakes
I suffocated her
With a pillow
Held her tight
As she died
And clung tighter
To her limp body
When the sun
Lies far off
Beyond the hills and horizon
And when the blue sky
Of a fresh morning
Floats beyond reach
And when it rains
Over just you
With the sun upon all else
Life will give you a rainbow.